We all love our sleep and we all know that having a little one is likely to affect our sleep routine. But the full effect of disrupted sleep is rarely explained fully. The usual parenting courses don't go beyond mentioning it in a vaguely comical way and stories from other parents are quickly dismissed with the thought 'well I certainly won't allow that to happen'. I guess one of the reasons it is not well covered in advance with first time parents is because it is very difficult to explain how it feels to consistently miss out on regular, long periods of sleep. As I heard many times before she was born, I find myself now saying 'you just won't know how important it is until you don't have it'.
The types of sleep problem can be varied, from not being able to get to sleep, to waking up regularly throughout the night, to waking up exceptionally early the next morning. The unlucky ones have a combination of them all. Every child is different and each child changes gradually as they get older. In my experience, rarely do the logical changes we try have any effect. A couple we know became extremely frustrated when their baby was up and ready for the day at 5am every day without fail regardless of when they were put to bed, when they moved bath time or how long they had been awake for during the night.
Our own issues were more to do with the beginning of the night. She was so alert and involved in everything going to sleep was almost like a betrayal of her need to experience as much as she could. She did not want to miss anything. In the early days this was exacerbated by (or caused by?) colic. None of the classic tricks work; she is immune to being driven to sleep in a car, cannot be tired out and betrays no signs of tiredness. Her ability to resist sleep is remarkable and once she gets over tired (which is very hard to see coming) she is very difficult to manage. Nowadays it is not unusual for the parent whose turn it is to spend two hours 'helping' her get to sleep. At least we can both do it now, for almost a year only mummy would do.
Once asleep we would then average around four wake ups during the night.
If you got there quickly you could get her straight back off. But if
you were a distance away and she got to screaming it could take as long
again for her to get back to sleep. As a result it was rare for us to get more than 3 hours sleep in a row.
It's very easy to get frustrated with the little ones, I can completely understand the reaction of people like Adam Mansbach, who made very effective use of the hours spent in the pitch black trying to get to the point where an even breathing pattern signalled the time to finally depart (look up the excellent 'Go the F*** to sleep'). Whenever I feel this way I consider that the act of falling to sleep is actually quite strange. Losing consciousness is an odd thing, particularly for a new born. They are used to being up close and personal with mum, constantly feeling the reassuring murmur of her voice and beat of her heart. Breathing air for themselves in silence without the warmth and movement of mum must be a big change. I do believe going to sleep is one of the hardest lessons a child must learn.
The effect of disrupted sleep is also varied and can creep up on you without warning. In general it can make people uncharacteristically short-tempered and unreasonable. At this stage even the smallest things can be irritating (I cannot believe they did not screw the lid on the jam properly. Again!) and it is often necessary to take a step back and understand the source of the rattiness. After weeks of broken and insufficient sleep it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it is crucial to be open about the issue. If I had £10 for every time one of us said 'I'm sorry about before, I was utterly unreasonable, I didn't mean it, I'm just so knackered'.
If both parents are working full time when offspring are little it can affect work too. Another friend had worried her performance at work was suffering due to the endless fatigue. The day she decided to make a change was the day she arrived with no recollection whatsoever of the journey she had just made. Her change was to move to a smaller company much closer to home so she had more spare to time to get organised, spend time with the kids and, of course, to sleep. The description of a zombie-like state is often used for the early stages.
I always try not to come across as negative in this blog, but it can be difficult with the many challenges a new parent faces. With this topic it is even more difficult to include a positive balance. In the vast majority of cases other parents with kids older than ours, when asked the usual questions 'how long does it last and what can you do about it?', respond with a shrug and the answer 'years, and not much'. What I can say is that it does get better, slowly over time. Set backs may seem frequent, for example a cold can play havoc with a clear run of sleep, but over the years it does all fall into place.
The nice times are usually related to when you get something back you haven't had for a while. Even if all that is is an unexpected entire evening together for mum and dad. Just don't let this lead to an expectation it will happen every night!
I'm afraid I don't have many tips but I can say that eating banana before bed seems to contribute to longer sleep without waking (no idea why). Bath time has always been quite stimulating so we try to have 'calm down' time between bath and bed. Finally, I try to set my own expectations in advance, expect a long night and plan some things to think about when you're in there. If you get out early it's a bonus. And for what it's worth, you're not the only ones going through this.
Sunday 25 September 2011
Tuesday 13 September 2011
Parents make great workers
There are so many reasons why parents make excellent workers. I admit there are some generalisations here and there will always be exceptions (both good and bad). This is an opinion post, based on my experience working with parents and as a parent:
1. Calm under pressure - Parents are used to stressful situations. They have learned to deal with sudden, irrational outbursts and are constantly under time pressure. Parents know a calm reaction is the only way to respond and are used to leading everyone away from difficult situations. Stick them in a crisis and watch them turn it around.
2. Settled - Parents tend to be more settled. They are less likely to move away from the area.
3. Multi-tasking - Parents are almost always doing several things at once when kids are around. If a mum or dad can occupy, teach and entertain a kid, whilst cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen and answering the phone what could they do for your business?
4. Productive - If they're good at doing lots of things at once they will get more done. They are less likely to be distracted and can work with almost anyone. Load them up and watch them prosper.
5. Loyal - The best way to keep your recruitment costs down is to not do it at all. Keep your experienced, knowledgeable current workers who really appreciate being there. Parents love employers who are understanding of their needs and they return the favour with their loyalty.
6. Responsible - A sense of responsibility is important, particularly if you are going to empower your staff and trust them with important decisions. Parents know all about responsibility as they have the ultimate responsibility. They don't roll in hungover and aren't likely to disappear around the world to 'find' themselves.
A little bit of flexibility may be needed, but often not a lot. This particular parent appreciates the chance to disappear 45 minutes early out of the blue to pick up the little one and tries his best to repay his boss by working extra hours in the evening or early the next day to make it up. I know I'm not the only parent who exceeds the forty contracted hours per week almost every week and is happy to do so.
Kids are such great teachers...
1. Calm under pressure - Parents are used to stressful situations. They have learned to deal with sudden, irrational outbursts and are constantly under time pressure. Parents know a calm reaction is the only way to respond and are used to leading everyone away from difficult situations. Stick them in a crisis and watch them turn it around.
2. Settled - Parents tend to be more settled. They are less likely to move away from the area.
3. Multi-tasking - Parents are almost always doing several things at once when kids are around. If a mum or dad can occupy, teach and entertain a kid, whilst cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen and answering the phone what could they do for your business?
4. Productive - If they're good at doing lots of things at once they will get more done. They are less likely to be distracted and can work with almost anyone. Load them up and watch them prosper.
5. Loyal - The best way to keep your recruitment costs down is to not do it at all. Keep your experienced, knowledgeable current workers who really appreciate being there. Parents love employers who are understanding of their needs and they return the favour with their loyalty.
6. Responsible - A sense of responsibility is important, particularly if you are going to empower your staff and trust them with important decisions. Parents know all about responsibility as they have the ultimate responsibility. They don't roll in hungover and aren't likely to disappear around the world to 'find' themselves.
A little bit of flexibility may be needed, but often not a lot. This particular parent appreciates the chance to disappear 45 minutes early out of the blue to pick up the little one and tries his best to repay his boss by working extra hours in the evening or early the next day to make it up. I know I'm not the only parent who exceeds the forty contracted hours per week almost every week and is happy to do so.
Kids are such great teachers...
Tuesday 6 September 2011
Ditch your values, principles and standards
We started out with the best of intentions, we used to be so good. It didn't take long for almost all of them to go out of the window.
Use of the tumble dryer sky rocketed immediately, brand new clothes are often worn just a few times (or not at all), wipes seem to be in use every couple of minutes (good job they are always on offer) and washable nappies never got out of the starting blocks. I am amazed how much more energy and resources we use since the arrival of this one tiny being.
Water is a great example. Everything needs cleaning and cleaning again and old water cannot be used again. I still don't understand this one; I boiled the kettle a few hours ago, it's now cold and I need hot water again for the baby. Why do I have to pour all of it out and refill it with fresh water? how can re-boiled water in any way be dangerous?
Food is wasted, I mean really badly wasted. I often wonder what the proportion of food consumed is versus the amount spread on toys and clothes, dropped on the floor or flatly refused for no good reason at all. At one stage I would have wagered it was an equal spread between them all, which would mean only about a third actually made it into the little one's stomach. At least she is now old enough to keep it there.
And it goes beyond the rapid de-prioritisation of environmental concerns. Personal standards have also taken a hit. There seems to be no time for exercise now and those who assume dashing about after a toddler will keep you trim are sadly deluded. What makes taking care of kids tiring is not the fact it is a full, cardiovascular workout (which it is not), it is the fact you are on call 24/7. There is no European working directive which will grant you a break every four hours. Plus, if you have a similar upbringing to me the aforementioned food wastage is tantamount to treason. So you end up with kiddie leftovers (always high fat) as well as your own dinner which does nothing good for the waistline.
As for new clothes and recipes, I can't remember the last time these were topics of discussion. The little one may have a huge choice of clothes to wear just once or twice, but I seem to be wearing the same thing I was wearing three years ago, and it hasn't aged well.
It all gets better slowly over time, like the amount of stuff you have to cart about with you for even the shortest trip. As things get easier the time freed up is very much appreciated, even cherished.
Use of the tumble dryer sky rocketed immediately, brand new clothes are often worn just a few times (or not at all), wipes seem to be in use every couple of minutes (good job they are always on offer) and washable nappies never got out of the starting blocks. I am amazed how much more energy and resources we use since the arrival of this one tiny being.
Water is a great example. Everything needs cleaning and cleaning again and old water cannot be used again. I still don't understand this one; I boiled the kettle a few hours ago, it's now cold and I need hot water again for the baby. Why do I have to pour all of it out and refill it with fresh water? how can re-boiled water in any way be dangerous?
Food is wasted, I mean really badly wasted. I often wonder what the proportion of food consumed is versus the amount spread on toys and clothes, dropped on the floor or flatly refused for no good reason at all. At one stage I would have wagered it was an equal spread between them all, which would mean only about a third actually made it into the little one's stomach. At least she is now old enough to keep it there.
And it goes beyond the rapid de-prioritisation of environmental concerns. Personal standards have also taken a hit. There seems to be no time for exercise now and those who assume dashing about after a toddler will keep you trim are sadly deluded. What makes taking care of kids tiring is not the fact it is a full, cardiovascular workout (which it is not), it is the fact you are on call 24/7. There is no European working directive which will grant you a break every four hours. Plus, if you have a similar upbringing to me the aforementioned food wastage is tantamount to treason. So you end up with kiddie leftovers (always high fat) as well as your own dinner which does nothing good for the waistline.
As for new clothes and recipes, I can't remember the last time these were topics of discussion. The little one may have a huge choice of clothes to wear just once or twice, but I seem to be wearing the same thing I was wearing three years ago, and it hasn't aged well.
It all gets better slowly over time, like the amount of stuff you have to cart about with you for even the shortest trip. As things get easier the time freed up is very much appreciated, even cherished.
Thursday 1 September 2011
When are you having the next one?
It’s an innocent question, well intended and not usually thought
through. I know it’s just small talk really, but when you have been
asked the question thirty plus times it does start to get irritating.
I try to be polite but often find myself asking ‘Why would we?’ Often flummoxed, the first response is almost always ‘your child will be lonely’. The second is usually ‘your child will be spoiled’.
It’s my turn to be confused. Why would a child who sees other children, numerous adults and three pets every day be lonely? Plus, I’ve heard kids don’t interact with each other until they are over three years old and my experience backs this up. I’ve seen snatching, tantrums and accidents happen hundreds of times because kids can’t co-exist in the same place without constant supervision. And post-three they’re soon into the school system where they can’t get away from other kids.
I’ve also seen many kids who have never got on with their siblings whilst under the same roof, only making some effort when one has left (usually so the younger can escape the parents to visit them at university).
I do believe the dreaded terrible-twos are more about the arrival of the more needy younger brother or sister removing the greater proportion of the parent’s attention than anything else. Yes I do understand that the stage of brain development and need for independence at this stage are also big contributing factors, but I think the sudden major disruption to their (quite small) living environment has the biggest part to play. If no other kids arrive will the twos be easier? I hope so, I’m not there yet. That could be a post for the future.
I also fail to see the correlation between not having a brother or sister and being spoiled. I’ve seen kids with several brothers and sisters spoiled and I’ve seen many only children… not spoiled at all (What’s the opposite of spoiled?). Surely whether a child is spoiled or not is to do with the parents attitude and parenting style not how many siblings they can pop out?
Most other responses are equally odd, for example ‘because if you don’t soon you won’t be able to later’. So we should do something we don’t want to do now just because we won’t be able to do it at some stage in the future? I’m sorry I don’t see the logic in that one. The one I can understand a bit is ‘siblings support each other throughout their lives’. But I believe everyone builds the support unit they need and if there are no siblings that support comes from someone else. An only child doesn’t know it any other way.
Beyond mild irritation, I hadn’t actually thought too much about it until I had a conversation with a colleague who has an only daughter. As I have worked with him for some time I was surprised I was not aware of his family up to that point. He confessed that he has purposefully chosen not to mention it as he is so sick of the probing people give him on why he didn’t add to his brood. For a time he even lied and said they had tried and been unsuccessful, but this comes with it’s own stigmas and he didn’t feel comfortable using this get out.
And what about the positives. The only child has a less disrupted journey through some of the most difficult and formative years of their lives. The only child has their untouched haven to return to and the benefit of the attention of both parents. They still get into the rough and tumble which teaches them some other lessons in life when they are with other kids in the day.
And that’s without mentioning the rather different topics of how easy inheritance planning is or the problem of overpopulation.
I guess all of this could be avoided if the question was a little less presumptuous, how about ‘do you plan to have any more kids?’ Much better.
I try to be polite but often find myself asking ‘Why would we?’ Often flummoxed, the first response is almost always ‘your child will be lonely’. The second is usually ‘your child will be spoiled’.
It’s my turn to be confused. Why would a child who sees other children, numerous adults and three pets every day be lonely? Plus, I’ve heard kids don’t interact with each other until they are over three years old and my experience backs this up. I’ve seen snatching, tantrums and accidents happen hundreds of times because kids can’t co-exist in the same place without constant supervision. And post-three they’re soon into the school system where they can’t get away from other kids.
I’ve also seen many kids who have never got on with their siblings whilst under the same roof, only making some effort when one has left (usually so the younger can escape the parents to visit them at university).
I do believe the dreaded terrible-twos are more about the arrival of the more needy younger brother or sister removing the greater proportion of the parent’s attention than anything else. Yes I do understand that the stage of brain development and need for independence at this stage are also big contributing factors, but I think the sudden major disruption to their (quite small) living environment has the biggest part to play. If no other kids arrive will the twos be easier? I hope so, I’m not there yet. That could be a post for the future.
I also fail to see the correlation between not having a brother or sister and being spoiled. I’ve seen kids with several brothers and sisters spoiled and I’ve seen many only children… not spoiled at all (What’s the opposite of spoiled?). Surely whether a child is spoiled or not is to do with the parents attitude and parenting style not how many siblings they can pop out?
Most other responses are equally odd, for example ‘because if you don’t soon you won’t be able to later’. So we should do something we don’t want to do now just because we won’t be able to do it at some stage in the future? I’m sorry I don’t see the logic in that one. The one I can understand a bit is ‘siblings support each other throughout their lives’. But I believe everyone builds the support unit they need and if there are no siblings that support comes from someone else. An only child doesn’t know it any other way.
Beyond mild irritation, I hadn’t actually thought too much about it until I had a conversation with a colleague who has an only daughter. As I have worked with him for some time I was surprised I was not aware of his family up to that point. He confessed that he has purposefully chosen not to mention it as he is so sick of the probing people give him on why he didn’t add to his brood. For a time he even lied and said they had tried and been unsuccessful, but this comes with it’s own stigmas and he didn’t feel comfortable using this get out.
And what about the positives. The only child has a less disrupted journey through some of the most difficult and formative years of their lives. The only child has their untouched haven to return to and the benefit of the attention of both parents. They still get into the rough and tumble which teaches them some other lessons in life when they are with other kids in the day.
And that’s without mentioning the rather different topics of how easy inheritance planning is or the problem of overpopulation.
I guess all of this could be avoided if the question was a little less presumptuous, how about ‘do you plan to have any more kids?’ Much better.
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