When are you having the next one?

It’s an innocent question, well intended and not usually thought through. I know it’s just small talk really, but when you have been asked the question thirty plus times it does start to get irritating.

I try to be polite but often find myself asking ‘Why would we?’ Often flummoxed, the first response is almost always ‘your child will be lonely’. The second is usually ‘your child will be spoiled’.

It’s my turn to be confused. Why would a child who sees other children, numerous adults and three pets every day be lonely? Plus, I’ve heard kids don’t interact with each other until they are over three years old and my experience backs this up. I’ve seen snatching, tantrums and accidents happen hundreds of times because kids can’t co-exist in the same place without constant supervision. And post-three they’re soon into the school system where they can’t get away from other kids.

I’ve also seen many kids who have never got on with their siblings whilst under the same roof, only making some effort when one has left (usually so the younger can escape the parents to visit them at university).

I do believe the dreaded terrible-twos are more about the arrival of the more needy younger brother or sister removing the greater proportion of the parent’s attention than anything else. Yes I do understand that the stage of brain development and need for independence at this stage are also big contributing factors, but I think the sudden major disruption to their (quite small) living environment has the biggest part to play. If no other kids arrive will the twos be easier? I hope so, I’m not there yet. That could be a post for the future.

I also fail to see the correlation between not having a brother or sister and being spoiled. I’ve seen kids with several brothers and sisters spoiled and I’ve seen many only children… not spoiled at all (What’s the opposite of spoiled?). Surely whether a child is spoiled or not is to do with the parents attitude and parenting style not how many siblings they can pop out?

Most other responses are equally odd, for example ‘because if you don’t soon you won’t be able to later’. So we should do something we don’t want to do now just because we won’t be able to do it at some stage in the future? I’m sorry I don’t see the logic in that one. The one I can understand a bit is ‘siblings support each other throughout their lives’. But I believe everyone builds the support unit they need and if there are no siblings that support comes from someone else. An only child doesn’t know it any other way.

Beyond mild irritation, I hadn’t actually thought too much about it until I had a conversation with a colleague who has an only daughter. As I have worked with him for some time I was surprised I was not aware of his family up to that point. He confessed that he has purposefully chosen not to mention it as he is so sick of the probing people give him on why he didn’t add to his brood. For a time he even lied and said they had tried and been unsuccessful, but this comes with it’s own stigmas and he didn’t feel comfortable using this get out.
And what about the positives. The only child has a less disrupted journey through some of the most difficult and formative years of their lives. The only child has their untouched haven to return to and the benefit of the attention of both parents. They still get into the rough and tumble which teaches them some other lessons in life when they are with other kids in the day.

And that’s without mentioning the rather different topics of how easy inheritance planning is or the problem of overpopulation.

I guess all of this could be avoided if the question was a little less presumptuous, how about ‘do you plan to have any more kids?’ Much better.