The effect of sleep, or rather the lack of sleep

We all love our sleep and we all know that having a little one is likely to affect our sleep routine. But the full effect of disrupted sleep is rarely explained fully. The usual parenting courses don't go beyond mentioning it in a vaguely comical way and stories from other parents are quickly dismissed with the thought 'well I certainly won't allow that to happen'. I guess one of the reasons it is not well covered in advance with first time parents is because it is very difficult to explain how it feels to consistently miss out on regular, long periods of sleep. As I heard many times before she was born, I find myself now saying 'you just won't know how important it is until you don't have it'.

The types of sleep problem can be varied, from not being able to get to sleep, to waking up regularly throughout the night, to waking up exceptionally early the next morning. The unlucky ones have a combination of them all. Every child is different and each child changes gradually as they get older. In my experience, rarely do the logical changes we try have any effect. A couple we know became extremely frustrated when their baby was up and ready for the day at 5am every day without fail regardless of when they were put to bed, when they moved bath time or how long they had been awake for during the night.

Our own issues were more to do with the beginning of the night. She was so alert and involved in everything going to sleep was almost like a betrayal of her need to experience as much as she could. She did not want to miss anything. In the early days this was exacerbated by (or caused by?) colic. None of the classic tricks work; she is immune to being driven to sleep in a car, cannot be tired out and betrays no signs of tiredness. Her ability to resist sleep is remarkable and once she gets over tired (which is very hard to see coming) she is very difficult to manage. Nowadays it is not unusual for the parent whose turn it is to spend two hours 'helping' her get to sleep. At least we can both do it now, for almost a year only mummy would do.

Once asleep we would then average around four wake ups during the night. If you got there quickly you could get her straight back off. But if you were a distance away and she got to screaming it could take as long again for her to get back to sleep. As a result it was rare for us to get more than 3 hours sleep in a row.

It's very easy to get frustrated with the little ones, I can completely understand the reaction of people like Adam Mansbach, who made very effective use of the hours spent in the pitch black trying to get to the point where an even breathing pattern signalled the time to finally depart (look up the excellent 'Go the F*** to sleep'). Whenever I feel this way I consider that the act of falling to sleep is actually quite strange. Losing consciousness is an odd thing, particularly for a new born. They are used to being up close and personal with mum, constantly feeling the reassuring murmur of her voice and beat of her heart. Breathing air for themselves in silence without the warmth and movement of mum must be a big change. I do believe going to sleep is one of the hardest lessons a child must learn.

The effect of disrupted sleep is also varied and can creep up on you without warning. In general it can make people uncharacteristically short-tempered and unreasonable. At this stage even the smallest things can be irritating (I cannot believe they did not screw the lid on the jam properly. Again!) and it is often necessary to take a step back and understand the source of the rattiness. After weeks of broken and insufficient sleep it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it is crucial to be open about the issue. If I had £10 for every time one of us said 'I'm sorry about before, I was utterly unreasonable, I didn't mean it, I'm just so knackered'.

If both parents are working full time when offspring are little it can affect work too. Another friend had worried her performance at work was suffering due to the endless fatigue. The day she decided to make a change was the day she arrived with no recollection whatsoever of the journey she had just made. Her change was to move to a smaller company much closer to home so she had more spare to time to get organised, spend time with the kids and, of course, to sleep. The description of a zombie-like state is often used for the early stages.

I always try not to come across as negative in this blog, but it can be difficult with the many challenges a new parent faces. With this topic it is even more difficult to include a positive balance. In the vast majority of cases other parents with kids older than ours, when asked the usual questions 'how long does it last and what can you do about it?', respond with a shrug and the answer 'years, and not much'. What I can say is that it does get better, slowly over time. Set backs may seem frequent, for example a cold can play havoc with a clear run of sleep, but over the years it does all fall into place.

The nice times are usually related to when you get something back you haven't had for a while. Even if all that is is an unexpected entire evening together for mum and dad. Just don't let this lead to an expectation it will happen every night!

I'm afraid I don't have many tips but I can say that eating banana before bed seems to contribute to longer sleep without waking (no idea why). Bath time has always been quite stimulating so we try to have 'calm down' time between bath and bed. Finally, I try to set my own expectations in advance, expect a long night and plan some things to think about when you're in there. If you get out early it's a bonus. And for what it's worth, you're not the only ones going through this.